


unstitch all the shit i've sewn

by notquiteaghost



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Sad Gay Learns to Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:49:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquiteaghost/pseuds/notquiteaghost
Summary: Taako is not wallowing, he is a dignified young elf who has his life together and he’s definitely not drinking away his sorrows in one of Neverwinter’s apparent bounty of shitty dive bars. That would be pathetic, and he is definitely not pathetic.  He is in one of Neverwinter’s shitty dive bars, and he is drinking, and he is alone, but that’s all beside the point. Can’t a guy drink alone on a weekday afternoon without everyone casting judgement on his life choices?Alternatively titled: Taako’s Long-Standing Deep-Seated Trauma Vs. His Amazingly Stubborn New Friends





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is set in the ambiguous time between lunar interlude ii & the crystal kingdom (griffin how does ur timeline even work). also my taako has ppd with heavy szpd traits. 
> 
> title is from _putting the dog to sleep_ by the antlers; _well prove to me I’m not gonna die alone, unstitch that shit I’ve sewn, to close up the hole that tore through my skin, well my trust in you is a dog with a broken leg, tendons too torn to beg for you to let me back in_

Taako is not _wallowing_ , he is a dignified young elf who has his life together and he’s definitely not drinking away his sorrows in one of Neverwinter’s apparent bounty of shitty dive bars. That would be pathetic, and he is definitely _not_ pathetic. 

He is in one of Neverwinter’s shitty dive bars, and he is drinking, and he is alone, but that’s all beside the point. Can’t a guy drink alone on a weekday afternoon without everyone casting judgement on his life choices?

(His original plan was to go to the shitty dive bar that started it all, but the owner would probably remember him and _talk_ to him and _ask_ about _things_ , and that is _exactly_ what Taako is trying to avoid right now.)

The beer in this particular establishment is way better, anyway. Not that he’s really a beer drinker, per se, but he had a choice between somewhere that served drinks he enjoyed and somewhere no one would bother him, and what’s the point of going to a shitty dive bar if you don’t drink the shitty beer?

His stone of far speech buzzes in his pocket again. 

He ignores it, again, and orders another shitty beer. It’s growing on him.

* * *

It’s just approaching late afternoon, and Taako has once again not shown up for the Reclaimers standing lunch date. At this point it’s ascending past ‘annoying habit’ and into ‘innate, unquestioned character trait’. 

Magnus made Taako up a plate at the same time as his own without thinking about it, he and Merle ate together in the dining hall and had a very heated conversation about whether dogs are better than cats, and now Magnus is walking back to their quarters with Taako’s lunch.

“Taako?”

“Yeah?” His voice emerges from the several-feet-tall pile of books currently engulfing their coffee table, which was not there when Magnus was last in this room less than three hours ago. Wizards, man.

“I brought you lunch.”

Taako’s head emerges at the top of the book pile. His hair is more out of his signature plait than in, and there’s a smudge of something dark down his nose. “What?”

“It’s gone three o’clock, me and Merle already ate,” Magnus holds out the plate, and Taako looks at it, and his brow creases in a frown. 

“Oh, uh. Thanks,” He extracts himself from the book pile and takes the plate, and his eyes widen. “Dude, are these _red velvet_?”

Magnus grins. “I thought I remembered you saying you liked them.”

“Red velvet cupcakes are my _shit_ ,” Taako says with feeling. “You’re a god among men, Magnus Burnsides.”

“It’s nothing special, dude, I’d do the same for any of my friends. Make sure you actually eat them, yeah? Elves can’t survive on magical theory alone.” Magnus punches Taako’s shoulder gently and leaves again, heading for the training dojo, completely missing the effect his words have and the many complex things Taako’s face is now doing.

* * *

Taako is developing a serious reputation ‘round the Bureau for bailing on things, so it’s not like Avi is _surprised_ when he’s been waiting on the corner of the quad for half an hour and there’s still no sign of said elf. Disappointed, yeah, but he’s refusing to take it personally. Taako bails on Magnus and Merle all the time, this isn’t his way of passive-aggressively saying he never wanted to go out with Avi in the first place, this is him being scatter-brained as shit. 

He’s probably found some new spell in one of the weird books stained with suspiciously coloured substances and written in strange Elvish dialects the library is inexplicably full of and that no one ever touches but him. There’s a betting pool on how long it’ll be before one of those spells backfires spectacularly, and how exactly that’ll play out. Avi would feel guilty about how much money he’s got in that pool, except he knows if it was the other way round Taako would have in twice as much.

Sometimes he wonders what, exactly, he sees in this guy.

The door to the Reclaimer’s rooms opens just as he reaches to knock on it, and he nearly barrels right into Merle, who says, “Avi! Just the guy I was about to run around looking for!”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah, we’re cool, don’t worry,” Merle steps back through the door and gestures for Avi to follow. “Or, well. Taako wanted me to tell you that he won’t make it to dinner because he’s dying of a rare strain of the plague and you should start making funeral arrangements, but he’s just being dramatic. I think he has the flu.”

Avi grimaces, because, “There’s definitely a bug going round, my roommate’s just getting over the worst of it. It’s not pretty.”

“Yeaaah, you can say that again.” Merle grimaces as well, then brightens and slaps Ari on the hip. “Which is exactly why I’m going out! Killian’s offered to deal me into her super-exclusive Regulator poker night, so if anything happens do _not_ come get me. See ya!”

“Avi?”

Avi sticks his head through the door to Taako’s room. Taako is curled up on the bed in a frankly ridiculous number of blankets, looking miserable. Avi waves.

“Thought I heard the door,” Taako says, his voice hoarse like he’s 90-something and he’s smoked a pack or two every day of his adult life. He clears his throat, but it doesn’t make him sound that much better. “Sorry about tonight, I didn’t think you’d appreciate me giving you the plague. I’ll make it up to you. Did Merle go out?”

“Yeah, he did, and it’s fine, really. I don’t mind.”

Taako’s forehead wrinkles in a small frown. “Dude, you don’t have to sugarcoat just ‘cause I’m dying--”

“I’m not sugarcoating,” Avi really super doesn’t want to have this fight right now. He steps into the room proper and surveys the scene, taking in the impressive pile of used tissues and two empty bowls on the floor. “You hungry?”

“You definitely just changed the subject, but now you mention it I’m fucking starving holy shit. There should still be soup in the kitchen?” Avi nods and turns to leave, then stills when Taako adds, “Also, could you grab me more tissues? And cough syrup? And, oh, I left the book I’m reading on the couch?”

“Anything else, princess?”

Taako sticks out his tongue.

Sure enough, there’s a whole vat of soup in the kitchen - Avi vaguely remembers Angus mentioning something about Taako batch-cooking the night after the first Bureau member got sick - and Avi pours out a bowl. Then, after a moment’s thought, he pours out another.

Carrying two bowls of soup, a bottle of cough syrup, a book and more tissues is something of a feat, but he manages it, making it back to Taako’s room without any incidents. 

“Holy shit my man I wasn’t serious,” Taako says when Avi dumps his spoils (minus the soup, he’s not an _animal_ ) on the bed. “You didn’t spill the soup, did you? Please tell me you didn’t spill the soup. Not even a skilled sorcerer such as myself can get out tomato stains.”

“I didn’t spill any soup.”

“Well, good,” Taako says, distracted from a comeback of his usual standard by sitting up and obtaining said soup. Avi makes himself comfortable next to him, and they lapse into comfortable soup-appreciating silence for a few minutes.

Avi’s just wondering if Taako would get annoyed if he got another bowl of soup when Taako says, not quiet in the grand scheme of things but quiet compared to his usual volume, “You don’t have to stay, y’know. I know I’m not exactly good company right now.”

Sometimes, Taako says things that make Avi want to punch things.

“Yeah, but I want to,” Taako frowns that small frown again, and Avi has to work real hard at keeping his anger out his voice because ho dang does Taako not need to hear it. “It’s spend my evening with you or spend it at Killian’s poker game, and that woman has taken enough of my valuables already. This is an act of self-preservation.”

Taako’s still frowning, but his tone is teasing when he says, “Y’know, Angus beat her last week, are you telling me a _child_ is better at poker than you?” And Avi’s learnt to take what he can get, in this sort of situation.

* * *

The thing about living on a fake moon with a half dozen buildings and a few dozen people is it’s everything terrible about small town culture and caravan living combined, and as much as Taako likes his job and has nothing in particular against the other Bureau members, one of these days he is going to snap and Magic Missile everyone.

“Hey, mind if I pull up some grass?”

Like, this is exactly what he means! Dude sitting on his own in the far corner of the lawn at quarter-past everyone is asleep with a bottle of something alcoholic, how does everything about that _not_ scream Please For The Love Of Whatever Deity You Hold Dear Leave Me The Fuck Alone?

But it’s Merle, so Taako doesn’t snap something sharp about obtuse idiot dwarves who don’t know when to keep the fuck out of someone else’s business. Not because he gives a rat’s ass about Merle’s feelings, but because there’s only so many times a guy can sit through Magnus Burnsides looking all concerned and insisting that whatever you need, Taako, you just have to ask.

Taako doesn’t say anything. Merle sits. Taako’s chances of a nice, quiet evening, just him and the stars and some decent elven vodka, are ruined. Whatever. Whatever!

They manage ten minutes of silence before Taako bursts out, “Oh my gods just come out with it already.”

And Merle just makes a confused noise and says, “Come out with what?” And seriously, Taako is going to _eviscerate_ someone.

“I don’t know! You’re the one who sat down!”

Merle continues to look bewildered. Taako takes a long swig of his drink.

“You want something,” He says, slowly. “Why else would you be sat out here? I know you want something, everyone _always_ fucking wants something, will you just fucking _ask_ already?”

Merle blinks, and his look of bewilderment shifts to consideration, which is great, it’s not like Taako’s skin was already crawling. “Can’t a guy just stargaze on a nice night with his good pal?”

Taako bites back his instinctive ‘No!’, because, once again: Magnus’ concerned face, all up in his biz. Instead, he sighs, takes another long drink, and lets himself relax ever-so.

If this is how Merle wants to play it, fine, this is how they’ll play it. Taako can get through another hour or two of sentient being interaction without having a breakdown. Gods know he’s done it before.

And if, after a while (and more alcohol), he forgets he’s only pretending to let his guard down and starts to actually relax, it’s not like Merle can tell.

* * *

The problem with ‘I told you so’ is it’s never actually accompanied by any sense of accomplishment or victory. Because great, he called it! He knew shit was gonna go tits up! And now shit is tits up, and that smug bitterness isn’t really making shit any less tits up, is it, it just stings in a slightly different way, so that’s cool, isn’t it, that he has that going for him. Great! Amazing!

And now here Taako is again, at the inevitable end of this cycle, except this time instead of wallowing in this shitty bar ‘till someone else comes through that he can talk into tolerating him for a few months in exchange for his mediocre skill set, he’s got a metal bracer permanently snug round his forearm and a shit ton of confidential information rattling round his head, and he’s pretty sure people don’t get to just leave the Bureau.

He should never have fucking drank that jellyfish shit in the first place. 

* * *

Taako is, once again, walking across the quad with a look on his face like someone just tried to stab him while he was wearing his favourite shirt, and it’s the third time Killian has seen him wearing that particular expression in the past week. She’s starting to worry.

“Hey, Taako!” She calls. He turns to look at her but doesn’t stop walking, so she jogs to catch up with him. “You alright, dude? You look kinda upset--”

She’s not expecting him to burst into tears and fold into her arms or anything, because this is Taako, and the day he voluntarily shows any emotion beside smugness, confidence or food-related glee is the day the world ends, but she is half-expecting him to start ranting about whatever’s got him in this mood. That’s the entire basis of their friendship.

“Leave me alone,” he spits, voice so venomous Killian takes an instinctive step back in fear of splash damage. “I didn’t sign up for this buddy-buddy camaraderie bullshit, I am _so sick_ of everyone and their mother circling me like vultures who don’t even have the decency to admit they want to see me break, _do not fucking talk to me._ ”

“Taako--”

“No! I am done, I am fucking _done_. Go find some other sucker to pull this bullshit on, I am _**done**_.”

And then he stalks off in the direction of the hangar, and Killian’s stomach sinks right down to her toes.

* * *

It’s been nearly three hours by the time they think to try Neverwinter, which is three hours of picturing Taako dead in a ditch, or dead at the bottom of a lake, or dead in some alternate dimension because the Red Robes got him, etcetera etcetera. Magnus hadn’t realised how little time they’d spent apart over the past few months, but now he’s hyper-aware of every day Taako only survived because of Magnus’ axe or Merle’s spells.

If it takes much longer to find him, Magnus is going to develop an ulcer.

“Hey, have you seen a very angry-looking elf today? About this high, wearing a purple hat and carrying a fancy umbrella?”

The bartender shakes their head, and Magnus takes a deep breath and squashes the urge to punch them, because it’s not _their_ fault he can’t keep track of one of his closest friends. 

He’s saved from his thoughts spiralling into another stint of self-depreciation by his stone of far speech crackling to life and Angus’ voice saying, “He’s in Harry’s, it’s four blocks east from where we landed.”

“On my way,” Magnus says, before taking off at a run.

When he gets to Harry’s (which turns out to be a less-than-classy establishment, not really the sort of place Angus should be inside, but he’s too worried about Taako to focus on that for more than a few seconds), Taako is slouched in a table in the corner. Merle and Angus are stood in the opposite corner, looking like they have no idea what to do now they’ve actually found him.

Magnus nods at them, then takes another deep breath (they’ve been kind of a running theme today) and sits down at Taako’s table. Taako doesn’t look up from his glass.

“Hey, buddy, you okay? You kinda worried everyone--”

“It’s not like I can spill any secrets when all anyone here will hear is static.” Taako snaps, the bitterness in his tone making Magnus recoil.

“What? No, I meant--”

“Yeah, whatever, save it for some schmuck that’ll actually swallow it.” Taako finally lifts his head then, and the look in his eyes is definitely going to be a recurring theme in Magnus’ nightmares. “I’m not dead, I’m not opening up a voidfish juice stand, you can fuck off again now.”

Magnus swallows, tries to think of anything that Taako won’t immediately, bitterly dismiss, and when he can’t, stands up again and retreats to join Merle and Angus.

“You want a go?”

Merle grimaces. “I’m not exactly the best, when it comes to this sort of thing…”

“Yeah, well I tried well-meaning sympathy and it didn’t go too great. Maybe awkward tactlessness is what he needs right now.”

“I’d like it known I’m doing this under duress,” Merle says, then he squares his shoulders and makes his way to Taako’s table.

Magnus can’t hear what he says from this far away, but he can definitely hear Taako’s angry whip-crack of a response.

“Can you just _leave me alone_? I just want a fucking drink by my fucking self, I don’t get what the big fucking problem is, can you just _fuck_! _**Off**_!”

There’s the slightest hint of a waver in Merle’s voice when he says, “Well, I tried my best.”

Magnus is just about to suggest they go outside and regroup, maybe go back to base for reinforcements, when Angus gives them both a look and walks over to Taako. After a second, Magnus and Merle both follow.

“Taako--” is as far as Angus gets before something in Taako snaps.

“Holy _fuck_ kid I’ve been nothing but an unrepentant dick to you,” he says, voice raised to that range of not-shouting a person can only reach when they’re truly at the end of their tether, “Why are you here! _Why do you care_!” And his voice cracks, and he slumps back into the defeated slouch and drops his gaze to the floor and says, quiet and shaky, “What’s the goal here? Why do any of you care?”

And Angus hugs him.

Taako’s sat on a bench seat, so it’s a bit awkward, and Angus ends up mostly climbing into Taako’s lap, and Taako goes rigid as a board at first, but Angus doesn’t let go, just wraps his arms tighter around Taako’s middle, and slowly Taako’s arms come up to curl around Angus and he relaxes, tiniest degree by tiniest degree.

When Taako buries his face in Angus’ shoulder, Angus says, “We care because we’re your friends, dummy.”

And Taako lifts his head again (his eyes are definitely red around the edges, but Magnus isn’t saying anything if no one else is) and opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, and Angus adds, “We’re your friends and we love you, and it’s okay if that’s weird or scary but you’re stuck with us now, so you better get used to it.”

Taako obviously doesn’t have a reply for that either, because he buries his face in Angus’ shoulder again, and they stay like that for a while, until Taako stops ever-so-slightly shaking and says, quietly, “...I think I’d like to go home now.”

* * *

By the time they get back to the Bureau, it’s late evening, and it finally catches up to Taako that he hasn’t eaten since breakfast. There’s a crowd in the hangar when they land, but Magnus says something to them and they all disperse without actually trying to talk to Taako, which is good. Taako feels very fragile right now.

Angus hugs him again before disappearing off in the direction of the library, leaving just Magnus and Merle to walk Taako back to their rooms. It doesn’t make Taako’s skin crawl as much as it normally would. In fact, it kinda does the opposite.

Taako makes a beeline for the kitchen, and is just pulling out a saucepan when Magnus says, “Um, excuse you, no?”

Merle adds, “We’re cooking.”

“Um, I appreciate the sentiment, but--”

“Okay, you sit there and tell us what to do then.” Merle says, pointing at the kitchen table, and normally Taako would argue more but turns out having three separate fights in one day really takes it out of a guy, so he sits. Merle and Magnus both beam at him.

“We’re making pasta,” Taako says. “Hopefully that’s simple enough you won’t poison us all.”

And Magnus clutches a hand to his chest while Merle shrugs and grabs the saucepan off him, and as Taako talks them through the most basic pasta recipe he can think of, something settles in his chest, warm and content and safe. Gods know this isn’t any kind of permanent solution, but as long as his friends insist on pulling him back in and cradling him close and out-stubborning him, Taako guesses he could maybe, possibly learn to live with this.

**Author's Note:**

> i have so many emotions about this found family of traumatised messes!!! so so so many!!!!
> 
> i am [here](http://notquiteaghost.tumblr.com/ao3) on tumblr.


End file.
